The Crumb Chronicles - The Mouse Vol. III

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Category: The Lenny Alba Variety Hour

Created: Wednesday, 23 September 2026 18:32

Published: Wednesday, 23 September 2026 18:32

Written by Jeff Krol

Hits: 74

The Fat Cats of the TSL Media Corporation are trying to trap the Mouse. They want him writing propaganda. Their propaganda. Stories that fit their narrative, keep the Clowder satiated, and keep everyone from asking too many questions. Don’t think. Don’t dig. Don’t sharpen your claws. Just eat the cheese they put in front of you and move along.

This Mouse refuses to be bought with cheese from the cottage.

While the Fat Cats sit comfortably in their lawn chairs, deciding which stories you’re allowed to hear, the Mouse is still scurrying around the field and listening to conversations that were never meant to reach the public.

The truth may stink, but that doesn’t make it Limburger.

Team Name: Bullet Club

Bullet Club came into existence in 2015, emerged from the mouse hole of Sweet and Sour Inc. when a handful of players decided it was time to scurry and start something new. More than a decade later, most of those original names have scattered across the TSL universe. Jeff Easton can now be found quarterbacking Pit Harade, Jess McAndrew suited up for Birds of War last season, and near-original Chad Griffin has resurfaced down in D6. Through all the roster changes, Joe K remains the last man standing, a survivor of every version of the team that has existed since 2015.

The highest point came in Spring 2018, when Bullet Club climbed to the top of D3 and walked away as champions. Getting back to those heights, however, has been anything but a straight line. The years between the original Bullet Club and the version roaming the fields today included QB problems, attendance problems, and former players who couldn't fully commit to the team. Then there were the many many playoff heartbreaks, the games where one play, one bounce, or one bad ref caused the season to be over. And, of course, there was the day they signed John Langley. Rock bottom comes in many forms.

The Quarterback lineage reads like an ACME magazine, Jeff Easton, Scotty Drosendahl, Travis Cleavenger Bernal, John Langley, Dylan Jaloza, and Jordan Lawson have all taken their turns setting the trap, with Easton even returning for multiple tours of duty. Through all those different eras, Bullet Club has also been fortunate enough to have some consistency and some kind personalities on the female side. Steph Czaja and the newly married, but injured Ashley DeVantier have seemingly been around forever. Kelsey Harrigan joined a few seasons ago and quickly became a superstar. Haley Kirstis was the newest addition last season and she's already looking like Bullet Club found another keeper.

They enjoy playing against Practice Squad, Sticky Nation, and any Keller Team, but the upgrade to D2 felt like a start of a new era as they no longer play familiar opponents and now play against 4 really good teams, and Let’s Get Reccked. Any team can win D2. Bullet Clubs knows they are lucky to start so hot in D2, but could just as easily be 0-4. They know they can never take a week off or could lose. It’s been a great experience for BC.

Team Name: Flying Balls

Some teams give Mickey a decade of history to dig through. This team is a little different. Founded in Fall 2025 by captain Dan Diehl, they are still relatively new to the TSL. They started their journey in D6, but did not stay there very long. After putting together a strong group and proving they belonged, they made the jump to D4 which is a pretty significant climb.

At quarterback, they have Matt Glowacki. The previous quarterback to the now defunct “Unit Ha Ha.” At backup quarterback is Jonah Seler who loves to run the offense. Both QB’s a new collection of weapons around them, and there does not appear to be one glaring weakness to point toward. They are simply a good group of guys who came together, love football, and have figured out how to play well with one another. Sometimes the recipe really is that simple.

The philosophy around the team can probably be summed up in two words: everyone eats. There is not one player demanding all the touches. They spread the ball around, find the open player, and let everybody contribute. Injuries have caused some problems along the way, but when the whole group is together, they have shown exactly why a team they should be competing in D4.

The Mouse also went searching for a bitter rival and came back empty handed. Apparently they have not been around long enough to truly hate anybody yet. Give it time. 

Team Name: Blue Ballers

Blue Ballers have only been around for about three years, but the team has already lived a couple of different lives. Before the Blue they were Purple. As in the  Purple Nurples, who lasted for two years before their evolution. Captained by PJ Maiarana and quarterbacked by Phil M, the pair have led the Blue to a pair of championships in D6 and D5. Not bad for a team whose roster sometimes feels like it was assembled at the bar five minutes before kickoff.

Their first taste of glory came in Fall, when they captured the D6 championship against the Chargers. The path through the walls was not always pretty. Their first season featured one of their lowest moments when they found themselves playing shorthanded and without a quarterback. After looking at the crumbs, they said to do one thing “blame Owen.” Fortunately, things have improved since then, and somewhere along the way this group went from trying to find enough people to play to collecting trophies.

Perhaps the best example of what Blue Ballers can do came against the Irish Giants. They found themselves staring at a 30 point deficit, the type of hole that usually has teams thinking of never playing again. Instead, this team squeaked back. 

This season, they have to survive without QB Phil for five weeks. The official explanation provided was that he has “kids,” the word all captains hate to hear. Whether they can keep things together until their quarterback returns remains to be seen, but history suggests chaos does not bother this group very much. 

The Crumb Chronicles - The Mouse Vol. II

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Category: The Lenny Alba Variety Hour

Created: Monday, 07 September 2026 18:12

Published: Monday, 07 September 2026 18:12

Written by Jeff Krol

Hits: 280

The Crumb Chronicles

What is the best animal on our lovely blue planet? 

Is it the Tiger? No, they are angry and too aggressive. Is it the Bull-Moose? No, they are too loud and Canadian. Is it the Eagle? No, they are bald and no one likes a bald creature. The best animal is the one that can hide, be in plain-sight, but not seen, to live in any environment, to eat and be satiated with just a simple little crumb. 

Team: Buffalo Vice

Buffalo Vice has been around since 2003, making them one of the league’s true old-guard teams. They were also among the first to escape the dark days of “Miles Sports” and follow Topper to the Rose Garden when he got things rolling back in 2011. 

Captained by Dan Gonzalez, who frequently shops at Wegmans, Quarterbacked by Andy Clark, and having original members of Dan’s brother Jason, Amy, and Matt McDonald. They have a D4 Championship around their belt and recently have been bouncing between D2 and D3. 

After a close 33-34 loss to Practice Squad, the team was gathered together talking about the good old days; before they all had kids and could hangout on a weekly basis, at the bar, their homes, or at the beach. Those days might be harder to come by now, but the tradition hasn’t completely disappeared. Once a season, Buffalo Vice still makes sure to get everyone together for a team party, adding another layer of glue to a friendship that has somehow kept this group together for more than two decades.

As a team, they could not stop fawning over Caitlin Mason, who is their hidden gem, characterized as shift, dynamic, and very coachable. 

She has one glaring weakness and it is being the slowest counter in the history of the league. 

The problem has apparently become serious enough that Buffalo Vice discussed pooling their money for a Duolingo subscription in hopes of improving her counting skills. To try to get out of paying, Mark Brown asked a question to one of their players if their 6th toe was slowing them down on the field.  

If you have ever been confused with “Wait, isn't there another Buffalo Vice in some other league?” The answer was yes, the Vice Family grew so large that they performed a football version of mitosis and set out on two different paths. That Buffalo Vice is now dead and gone, while the original one keeps growing, alive and well.

Team: Powerpuff Girls

Sugar, spice, and everything nice. These were the ingredients chosen to create the TSL’s 2025 Team of the Year. But Professor Kyle accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction: a bunch of girls who can catch, run crisp routes, and make defensive coordinators miserable. 

Thus the Powerpuff Girls were born!

PPG has been one of the league’s most entertaining teams, winning both of the D4 and D5 championships in D4 and D5, at the expense ofTwo Tuddies. However, following a pregnancy pact, the original squad hit their endgame and a new batch of talent stepped in.

Enter Maddie, Kayla, Jill, Molly, Chloe, Jill, Bixby, and a few more. 

The second generation of PPG who haven’t been as successful in the win column as years prior, but are just as fun to watch. 

The Sidelines always have a large crowd, with audience members making comments:

“They have the top two girls in the league on this team!”

“Molly might have the fastest straight line speed I’ve ever seen” 

“Is that Clyde Bixby’s wife?”  

The other massive change to the team was adding Drew Butler from Eyes Downtown on defense in replacement of Cody Stumpf. Drew has been making it look easy with one handed interceptions in each of his games, trying to give himself another challenge. 

When asked of their highlight, it was the team’s back to back championships and seeing Kyle Coniff win D4 QB of the year. The lowlight is when PPG used to be known as Father Baker, named after Dave Baker, who is a father and was the original quarterback, was shut out 26 to 0 in their first playoff game back in Fall of 2023. 

The team is primed to take D4 once again as they routinely put up points.  This week's matchup will feature D1 teammates vs D1 teammates, as Kayla Voss and Jill Fittry intend to show Jeff Krol and Mike Thomas who the real reason for the Sticky Bandits success is. Kayla Voss was overheard taunting Mike Thomas by exclaiming “I’ll teach you how to run a Post-Corner next week.” 

Team Name: Balls Deep

A group of friends, family, veterans, newbies, and even more people who really don’t like Not So Sticky. That’s the recipe behind Balls Deep, a team roughly four years old that was founded in 2022 by Chris Twaragowski and quarterbacked by backwards-hat-wearing Chad Biersbach. For anyone who follows football news, you already know how analysts feel about quarterbacks wearing backwards baseball caps. Character concerns everywhere

Balls Deep doesn’t really hate Not So Sticky, but there’s definitely some unfinished business there. Mostly because Not So Sticky prevented Balls Deep from completing what could have been their own Infinity Gauntlet of TSL Championships.

Starting in D6, Balls Deep conquered it, after a while.

They moved up to D5… and Not So Sticky stopped them.

They moved up to D4… and conquered that too.

Two stones collected. One glaringly empty spot in the middle.

Following their close win over PPG, Chris complained that no matter how many championships Balls Deep wins, the mantle above his fireplace will always feel incomplete. There’s a D6 trophy. There’s a D4 trophy. But sitting between them is the empty space where that elusive D5 Championship should be. Somewhere, Not So Sticky is probably smiling.

The Skipworth Twins were quick to remind Chris just how far Balls Deep has come. It took the team a few sessions to really figure out the game, but once they did, they went from newcomers learning the ropes to legitimate championship threats. Now they find themselves with another opportunity to add some hardware and continue climbing the TSL ladder.

Don’t expect to find Balls Deep celebrating at the Angry Buffalo unless they actually win another championship. Apparently regular-season victories aren’t enough to get these people to the bar. At the fields, though, they’re one of the friendlier groups you’ll run into.

And if you happen to wander past their bags, keep your eyes open. There’s usually grapes and cheese in there.

Balls Deep truly has something for everyone.

- The Mouse

Q&A with the Refs

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Category: The Lenny Alba Variety Hour

Created: Thursday, 17 September 2026 14:39

Published: Thursday, 17 September 2026 14:39

Written by Jeff Krol

Hits: 127

This is the Lenny Alba Variety Hour, and as much as we’ve loved The Mouse the past couple of weeks (he’ll have more Player/Team Interviews coming soon!) we’re committed to doing some DIFFERENT things in this article week to week, just to keep it fresh.

This week we’re putting the spotlight on some of our most experienced Refs in the league to ask them about some of their experiences.  Let’s see what Justin Garbacz, Brandon “B” Ford, Jordan Lawson and Garrett “Head of Officiating” Beesing have to say about reffing in the TSL!

How do you deal with the abuse of players always blaming you for "bad calls"?

Garbacz: I say things like, " We aren't reading about you in the USA Today Sunday Morning" or "This is what I saw....you may disagree but..."I try to create a rapport with the players that way they know me and makes it easier and they may not get as "heated".

B: When I make the call I stand by it. I don’t care if the players are blaming me. If I mess up I will always admit I was wrong.

Jordan: It's crazy to think, but I've actually NEVER made a bad call or even missed a call, so I cannot properly answer this question. If I am ever accused of making a bad call I will reach out so that the article can be updated appropriately.

Garrett: Generally, just laugh it off. I’ve had my moments where I complain to refs, so I get it. You should have that right as a player to question calls and let the ref know they messed up. Once it gets excessive, I’ll usually just start openly mock how they’re behaving, or throw a flag.

What's the best advice you could give to someone who was just starting to ref?

Garbacz: Be patient.  Think before you blow the whistle. Don't let the game move too quickly for you.  If the Back Judge, take about 12-15 yd down from the line of scrimmage and maneuver from there.  Get to know your personnel.  You will be in proper position because you will know what QB's go deep constantly etc.  Always make eye contact with other official after the play to both know the downs.

B: Best advice I can give to new refs: If you make a call, stand by it. We are not professionals, we are people who play in the league or volunteer to help. We are not perfect.

Jordan: Simply to watch what I do and you'll never be wrong. The other advice would be simply to care. Pay attention to the game, respect the opportunity to be able to referee, and understand that you truly are in charge of helping the game go smoothly. There are, in my opinion, too many refs that just don't pay proper attention, are on their phones, or chatting with someone from another field.

Garrett: Don’t swallow your whistle. Too many refs, especially new ones, seem to think that NOT throwing the flag will keep the peace. Not throwing a flag will get just as much complaining as throwing a bad one.

What are the easiest or hardest teams to ref? 

Garbacz: Easiest teams are D1 due to knowing the teams well and it basically "runs itself".  The hardest are teams I do not know nor have a rapport  with.  The D1-D3 that I do ref, have a rapport with me so they know how to speak with me and vice versa.

B: Easiest team is any D6 team. They just want to have fun and play football. Hardest is Eyes Downtown. Bobby knows the rules and will question every call, every rusher count and wants things his way.

Jordan: Easiest team to ref is Balls Deep.  They are extremely respectful, appreciative, and cognizant of the fact that I enjoy reffing and am out there to help better the league. I truly appreciate that they thank the referees for being out there. The hardest would be Eyes Downtown or Cobblestone.  For ED if a game starts at 'X' time...your team and players should be ready to go. This is also meant to be funny as anyone reading this will understand, but Bobby shouldn't get an extra 10 mins to do his weird warmup stretches and high knees, but he always seems to push the limits on starting game time. (Love you Bobby!)...but sometimes refs will run those 10 minutes off the clock without you knowing, which also isn't fair to the other team.  And Cobblestone, need I say more?

Garrett: Not gonna call out one particular team as the hardest to ref, but the same 8-10 players always act shitty. They expect perfect reffing, and are personally offended “children” [editors note: “children” was not the word Garrett used] when everything doesn’t go exactly their way. They never seem to realize when ref drama gets serious and out of hand, it’s the same 8-10 morons are ALWAYS at the center of it. It blows my mind the same 8-10 people don’t realize it’s ALWAYS them. And disappoints me that their captains and teammates don’t make them stop or kick them off the team. Very bizarre and sad. Favorite team to ref, NSS. They are always very respectful and as a team never get down on each other so the vibes always good

What's the best game you ever witnessed as a ref?

Garbacz: I feel a game that was D1 in the past year or two.  Was back and forth 40-50s in score.  Possibly Legends and Eyes Downtown or was Malones and somebody.  Both teams kept matching one another.  Honorable mention to Dwyers vs. Green and Associates in 2012

B: Best have I ever witnessed, that’s a tough one. Probably Sticky Bandits vs Legends a few years ago for the championship. It was a back-and-forth game. Refs weren’t even needed actually. Me or Garbacz never had to make a call. 

Jordan: There are too many to name. Having reffed hundreds of games the ones that stick out are probably the championships as you never know what is going to happen. I love the games that come down to the last play, but dislike that the outcome literally could rest in my hands for a call that I do or do not make.

Garrett: Kind of drawing a blank here. I could have the details wrong but Mavericks winning a ship back-to-back years on the last play sticks out and I saw both plays. Don’t think I was reffing either though!

What's one rule change you'd like to see?

Garbacz: I would like to see a blitz added one per series for the defense.  I feel it would make it exciting and the opposing qb wouldn't know when a "blitz" was coming.

B: The QB arm rule. When the arm is coming forward and the rusher touches him it’s not a sack. As a fellow QB I don’t mind the rule, but we are hurting the rushers. QBs see the rusher close and just start moving the arm forward. That has to change.

Jordan: I honestly don't think that there needs to be any rule changes. I did always find it odd that refs call 'gender' play for female involvement though. Isn't a male a gender too?

Garrett: $40 a game for refs. I love insulting people’s intelligence that disagree with me on this. It’s very enjoyable for me. I will die on the hill that it would make the product better by increasing demand, and allowing me to remove weaker refs from the schedule. The argument that $40 is too much, when it would be $10 extra a session per-person, is a joke. Also, “the complaining would get worse if I was paying $40, I’d expect way better reffing,” is only something an entitled child would say.

Who's the best ref in the League besides yourself and why?

Garbacz: Jeff May or B.  Both have done it a long time.  Both are good to work with due to both can work the back judge or line.  Both communicate very well and that is key so both officials on the same page.

B: I’m going Jordan Lawson. He knows the rules in and out and he doesn’t let the players get to him. When he makes a call, he stands by it.

Jordan: Jordan Lawson with his eyes closed would be the best besides Jordan Lawson (the 10x runner-up in Best Ref of the Year voting) with his eyes open. But if I had to pick another, it would be Stoner Dave. Not because he is a teammate but because he truly cares and engages in every aspect of a game when he is reffing. He doesn't let emotion dictate his calls, doesn't hold grudges against players, and is fair, honest, and always provides a respectful explanation of what he did or didn’t see.  I would also love to see Sal start reffing again because he is right up there at the top of the list of best referees.

Garrett: Jeff May and Jordan Lawson

Welcome to the Lenny Alba Variety Hour!

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Category: The Lenny Alba Variety Hour

Created: Monday, 31 August 2026 18:56

Published: Monday, 31 August 2026 18:56

Written by Jeff Krol

Hits: 340

Let's try something NEW.

Every season we ask the TSL Universe what they're looking for in website content.  And of course, we always get a hundred different answers back.

"You should bring back the Old Sentinel!"

"You should do receiver rankings!"

"You should do features on different teams and players!"

Whatever content we do try to produce though, the challenge is always making sure we have a consistent weekly product.  Remember when the Sentinel started skipping weeks, and eventually got shorter and shorter?  Or remember those brand new articles that disappeared after a few entries? (You probably DON'T remember them, but we've had half a dozen over the years).  It's easy to get fresh ideas, but it's a lot harder to see them through week after week.  

So we're not even going to TRY to do the same thing week after week.  Welcome to the Lenny Alba Variety Hour!

We'll do something different every week, because why not?  We're not bound to any particular format.  Some weeks we can do spotlights on teams or players.  Some weeks we do a Q&A with league management.  Some weeks we might just feature the poetry of Tino Tomasello (he's good - you don't even know).

You'll always get something different here.  And the beauty is, we don't have to do all the work!  If anyone around the league has ANYTHING they'd like to contribute, feel free to send it in!  You want us to publish a history of your team?  You got it.  You want to call out some rival and talk shit?  Go for it.  Our standards are low, we'll publish just about anything.  There's no specific email address like This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it., but you can send things to either the Godfather or the League email (This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.) and we'll find a way to get it on the website.  

So there you have it.  Something new every week.  And for our FIRST edition, we'll welcome someone who will hopefully be a regular contributor (though not weekly), our friend The Mouse*, who has interviewed TSL legends D-Generation XYZ, Freeballers, John Langley and Nick Voss to find out more about them.

(*Why is he called "The Mouse"?  Does he have a secret identity??? I wouldn't say "secret" since he'll be out there interviewing people, but we won't spoil who it is here)

Thanks for writing in, Mouse! 

***

One of America’s most well-known authors and cheese enthusiasts, Mark Twain once said “If you don’t read the newspaper, you’re uninformed. If you do read the newspaper, you’re misinformed.”

That is the purpose of this contribution to the Lenny Alba Variety Hour, to inform you, the TSL Universe, of the teams, the people, the cheese and crackers of the league. 

Team: Degeneration XYZ

Captain: Scott Keller Junior

Quarterback: Damien Keller 

Degeneration XYZ is a rebrand of 3rd and Schlong, a team that existed more than 11 years ago, back when Topper was a regular at the fields, many of you were just discovering Minecraft, and the members of Degeneration XYZ were considerably less… aged.

The founding members of this particular infestation are the Kellers (Scott Jr., Scott Sr., Nicole, and Katie) and Scott Klussman, who used to be known as the 40-Year Plan Guy but has officially completed the plan and is now simply 40+ years old. Travis, Boccio, Val, and a few other familiar rodents have also been nibbling from the same block of cheese together in some shape or form for years.

When Scott Keller Jr. was asked for his Mount Rushmore of Degeneration XYZ players, the answer was simple:

“Me, Me, ME, and ME!”

Apparently, when you’re the Big Cheese, humility is optional.

Their greatest moment came in Fall 2025, when Degeneration XYZ won the D3 Championship after coming back from a three-score halftime deficit. The comeback became even sweeter after they watched Jeff Krol hand the opposing team a bottle of champagne before the game was actually over. Nothing motivates a pack of old rats quite like someone prematurely cutting the cheese.

The 2026 season hasn't exactly started the way the Degenerates hoped, but they would like everyone to remember one very important fact: They have the oldest roster in the TSL.

Nick Voss:

Nick Voss is a D1 Champion who currently plays for Grey Hair Don’t Care and Eyes Downtown, scurrying between two rosters and somehow finding plenty of cheese along the way.

Immediately, Nick was asked the most important question: Who is your favorite quarterback? Without hesitation, he answered “Dave Eickhoff.”  Nick has been around the TSL wheel for quite some time. He’s been spotted wearing a Bullet Club jersey and, longtime league members may remember, played with 716 back in the day.

His favorite TSL memory came last Spring when he won the D1 Championship. 

Away from football, Nick enjoys playing volleyball, sleeping, and participating in a family-wide game of tag, which sounds less like a hobby and more like something a family of mice would actually do.

When asked for his closing thoughts he said “He believes his adopted sister, Kayla Voss, is the best girl in the league.”

Team: The Freeballers

Captain: Scott Klussman
Quarterback: Buddy Lee

The Freeballers are an offshoot of the 3rd and Schlong Family Tree, established in 2020 by Scott Klussman and Pat McDonnell. And like all great football franchises, this one began with… a dog chasing a man on a bicycle. The story goes that Pat was riding his bike past Scott’s house when Scott’s dog, Spike, took off after him. Somehow, instead of this ending with an apology, an argument, or a tetanus shot, Scott and Pat hit it off and decided “We should make a co-ed football team together.”

Thus the Freeballers were born. The Original mice also included George Lombardo, Emily Schilling, Steph Czaja, Austin Weber, and Trish. Since 2020, plenty of mice have come and gone, and the roster looks quite a bit different today. But that's what happens when you've been nibbling from the same piece of cheddar for six years.

To address the changes, Captain Scott said "Teammates have come and gone, one thing that remains the same, good vibes and family. Once a Freeballer, always a Freeballer. Some have come, some have gone, but they have never left the family.”

The Mount Rushmore of the Freeballers are Scott Klussman, Matt Kieta, Pat McDonnell, and Jessie Kieta. 

The Freeballers have had a bit of a Quarterback Charcuterie board with many, many QB’s over the years from Hogan, Jordan Lawson, George Lombardo, Sean Weisansal, Dylan Jaloza, Paul, Dave Eickhoff, and currently have Buddy Lee. 

The Freeballers have won the D4 and D2 Championship. 

John Langley:

If any of you cats… have stumbled on the standings page and scroll to the bottom, you’ll see the highly scientific system to determine how a team stacks up in a division. It starts at Best, Better, Good, Fair, Going to Game On, and finally… Langley Territory. Langley Territory is a place no one wants to go, but one man lived in. 

Langley Territory is the darkest corner of the TSL basement. It’s where the cheese has gone moldy, the mousetraps have already been sprung, and absolutely nobody wants to find themselves. While some merely visit Langley Territory… One man lived there.

John Langley is from Baltimore, Maryland and that means yes, he is a Ravens fan. He came this way after moving to Syracuse and then attending college in Buffalo. Back in 2017 he joined Game ON and met the founders of his personal project Travis Henry’s Kids, formerly known as Philly Special and Perfect Strangers.

THK has been dead and gone, but they would dominate their division season after season, and unfortunately choke in the playoffs. This was a tale as old as time, they were regular season good. Season after season, these rats would feast on their division, stockpile the cheese, and convince everyone that this was finally the year.

Then the playoffs arrived. SNAP. The trap got them. Again and Again. This continued until 2024, THK and Langley won D5 and finally broke the curse and sent it elsewhere in the nearby football universe…

Currently, John plays on Frodo Swaggins making his D1 Debut and plays on Bullet Club in D2. Outside of football, John enjoys hitting the links, playing softball, and would specifically like everyone reading this to know that he is a genuinely nice guy. Which is exactly what a mouse would say when surrounded by cats.

Your faithful field mouse, sniffing out the stories nobody else will.

The Mouse